Seasons of Life and Death

The leaves are turning their golden color as they do every fall if the drought hasn't robbed them of their color. Just like every year once again the season is changing from one to another. Sixteen years ago this fall our family entered a new season. My mother became fatherless. My grandma became a widow and I the youngest grandchild lost my last living grandfather.

Warm with the heat of summer was the day my grandpa went with the doctor. Six weeks later when we went to his funeral the air was cold and the wind blew hard and the sun never came out. On that stifling  summer day the doctor told my grandpa that he had cancer and there was nothing that could be done. The only thing left to do was to spend time with family. So he did. They took family photos. My grandma isn't smiling in any of them. Already she was mourning the loss of her soul mate.

All to soon grandpa became bed ridden. Mother and I moved into grandma and grandpas house. Someone remained always at grandpa's bedside keeping watch lest he should slip away from this earth alone.

I fed grandpa creamy custard and cold jello with a silver spoon. Our eyes would meet as I stood on a chair by grandpa's bed. Grandpa didn't talk anymore and I'll never know what went through his brain as his youngest grandchild cared for him.

I was six years old and those are the only memories I have of my grandpa.

The hospice lady came often which I thought was very nice because she would bring me coloring pages. I don't remember the pictures, but I think they had to do with something about helping little brains fathom the idea of death. I wonder if the hospice lady knew that even at such a young age the fact that I was witnessing my grandpa dying was a good thing from God.

One day all of us grandchildren played outside all day long. Mom summoned me into the house. I went into the room where all of the aunts and uncles were standing around grandpa's bed. Grandpa's eyes were open yet he didn't seem to be there. Mom held me close and told me grandpa would die soon. I took it all in and then ran out to play. While the grandchildren were running and screaming without a care in the world Grandpa went to be with his Savior.

    Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
        I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
        your rod and your staff,
        they comfort me.
(Psalm 23:4 ESV)

Grandpa's last season of life had been a transition of life on this earth to eternal life. With his Savior by his side grandpa went down into the valley of the shadow of death. There was pain, but grandpa came out unscathed into his eternal home.

    “Death is swallowed up in victory.”
    “O death, where is your victory?
        O death, where is your sting?”
(1 Corinthians 15:54-55 ESV)

 

Outside the window of grandpa's bedroom that October day the leaves lay dead and brown. Inside the house was grandpa's shell of body not representing lifelessness, but rather the hope of life with God forever. Our family was in a new season and feeling some what uncertain on how to procede, but God in his grace carried us through. 

Seasons come and go every single year, but our hope in the Lord remains steady and firm every single day.

musing of the North

The air has become pleasantly even temperatures in the day time and at night it takes on a chill . It almost feels like the weather in Canada when we were up there this summer. I wonder if that means that it has become cold in Canada. Maybe even have they seen their first snow yet? Probably they have stopped going to the lake for daily swims I would guess.

I'm thinking about the children filling the classrooms of the school that we made our home for a few short days. Do the even hear the name of God in the rooms where sat and read our Bibles every day? In the teacher's lounge our group met every morning for team devotions and prayer. What do the teachers talk about in that room now? Is there needless words instead edifying words of grace and truth? 

Are the children only allowed to go to the playground at recess instead of playing with us for hours upon hours as we did this summer.  Where do the children go I wonder when its cold and dark, but their parents haven't noticed because of their drunken state.

I'm miles and miles away, but Canada is stuck in my brain. It seems it doesn't take much for me want to pack my bags and flee to Canada just to spend a few hours on a playground with affection starved children.  I don't want to just wonder how these people are doing I want to know and see them for myself.  The ache in my heart for Canada reminds me to pray and to give my all for Christ where I am just as I did up there.

I could go about the business of having visited another country and returning quite turned inside out, but I won't. Because my friend Liz who has spent far more time in a foreign culture than I has written about it already on her blog. Check it out its good.

This is a test :)

just grace

Written  Aug 26

For probably the first time in my life this week I got up before 6 am five straight days in a row. There may have been another time I arose early, but it was probably so terrible I blocked it from my memory. No I am not a morning person and for the good of everyone else its probably a good thing I've been up a good hour before I'm seen by anyone.

Thankfully though by the time I stumble out of the dorm my eyes are up open enough to glimpse the sunrise. Oh the lusciousness of the golden colors streaking the sky. There is a beckoning to just stop and look and take in the mighty power of God. Sometimes I forget to breath all though that could be attributed to the fact also that my brain isn't fully functioning yet. Ahem.

I've only been up 20 minutes and already God has already taken the time to remind me of His faithfulness. My brain may be a bit foggy before breakfast, but I'm still smart enough to know that I'm a fool to think that God isn't Good.

God's goodness has been the theme of my week. I've been hear working at the school I graduated from all of 4 months ago and its been grand.

The first few weeks of my freshmen year three years ago were anything, but grand. Life became for me a living nightmare of homework constantly tormenting me and the things I loved most like cooking and watching children were withheld from me.

In the blur of the adjustment to school I wondered how I would be able to ever make it through the year. To my utter relief I soon discovered the secret of God's grace.

I wonder what would have happened had I remained so homesick. Had I kept on worrying and feeling so discouraged, would I have even made it through that first year? Would I have come back for another year? Honestly I know if I had kept on in the course of feel distressed and overwhelmed I would have missed out on a lot. Probably I would have never have graduated and of course I then wouldn't have been around to be asked to stay at the school.   

Its a sobering thing to look back over my life and see what I was, but then to see how God in His grace changed my course to something so much more worth while.

"God's grace is sufficient for anywhere His providence places us"

I'm alive and doing adventures because of the grace of God. 

Dear Me.

Dear teenage me,

Oh what a time of life you are in, suddenly discovoring that life has adventure to it, but with adventure often comes pain. Right now you probably long for the next thing. Hoping that it will be bigger and betteer. Can you be convinced that life is wonderful right where you are because that is where God has placed you?

Grandma has just moved into the basement of your own house and I know you aren't sure if you like this change. You want to go to grandma's house not have her house be at your house all the time. Would you believe it if I told you that having grandma live with you is going to be one of the most life changing shaping experiences of your life? Would you be able to fathom the fact that even is as grandma grows weaker and weaker she will teach you more about God by her actions then her words? The days are going to be long, but one morning you will wake to find that grandma has gone to be with Jesus and you will rejoice for her gain, but mourn for your loss.You will always be thankful for the special way you grew to know your grandmother.

One thing I know upsets you is your family. You want little brothers and sisters and you think it would be nice to have older siblings that aren't often mistaken for your parents. You think your family isn't normal and you long for other things that seem so much better. I wonder have you ever thought about the fact that according to the world's standards you shouldn't have ever been born? Realize that because your siblings are so much older you have been given a whole treasure chest of information. I know you want to turn up your nose at your big brothers and sisters, but in a few years you will regret doing so and realize how much they have cared for and loved their little sister. Perhaps now they may seem to be just older siblings, but it would be easier for you now if you were grateful for the treasures God gave you.

Your probably wondering too why you are more like the grandchild of your parents then a actual child. Well my dear self its because that's how God in His perfect sovereignty meant it to be and really there is no other way to explain it. Maybe it is somewhat strange and odd for your parents to get the senior discount, but realize now that life with older parents is really quite grand.

Life right now maybe seems like a set circemstances that doesn't make the least bit of sense. Sometimes you may wonder why you even excist. You are struggling with the fact that God does really love you even if you have gone against his commands. God's grace is hard for you to grasp and it doesn't seem like it should be so free to you. There are the days when more things seem to have gone wrong then right. You are wishing and longing for something better and you are sure when that something better comes life will be better.

Let me tell you this. Life is going to get better and even more wonderful then you ever could have thought. I must apolgize now because I'm going to contradict myself. Life is also going to get more horrible then you ever could have imaigained. Horrible and wonderful can go in the same sentance, because the God your struggling to trust in now will always be in conthrol. Every single day you are going to be able thank him for his blessings, even when it seems like there are few to count.

Understand this, its your view of God that is going to affect everything. Your mother tells you this, but I know you don't believe her. Really it is true when you cannot see God as a gracious God and a very good God who is always in control, life will seem terrible.

Maybe you think that you cannot wait till you are in your twenties because by then surely you will have life nicely put together. Unfortunately no you will still be learning very much from God. Here is a little secret though. Age gives you the ability to look back at life and to see how God is working. Trust me it will make better since of why just exactly everything happened the way it did. Those struggles and tears you will know were the tools used by God to shape your life.

Right now the struggles may seem toilsome and it may seem that no one understands your problems. Trust me I haven't forgotten how sometimes you cried yourself to sleep. Know the pain is what will grow you. Know that it is for your benefit to grow in God's Word now. When you get older your not going to regret it. Know that the more you understand God and His ways the better your life will be.

Yours Truely,

Your 22 year old self

I wrote this post for the dear me: letter to your teenage self link up. I wrote the words, because I myself needed to hear them and because other girls in are the chaos of teenage craziness might read my humble advice.

One Monday Morning...

I'm not an especially big fan of Mondays. Mostly it is probably physiological, but for some reason it always feels a bit harder to start the routine of the day on Monday.

Mondays always seem to be quite ordinary and routine and really nothing extraordinary usually happens on Monday.

Eleven years ago it was an ordinary Monday morning. People rushed out the door with coffee cups in hand to work. Mothers herded their children in nearly mad chaos onto school buses. Appointments were kept and groceries were bought. Business people left for trips to make deals and to also deal with clients. Wives and husbands argued about who would take out the trash. Children got mad at their parents and left their rooms messy. The tired wife wondered when she and here husband would ever have time together. Alarms didn't go off and people over slept. Some laughed at life while others only found sadness and discouragement.

Just a seemingly ordinary Monday for 2,996 Americans. Monday night they all went to bed perhaps glad to have the day behind them. A few short hours later another day started and for awhile life went on just as it had the previous day.

By noon that ordinary Tuesday nothing was ordinary anymore. 2,996 Americans were dead and their families were left to pick up the pieces. Every morning after that fateful day became a fight to survive in a cloud of grief for so many Americans.

When the dawn of the new morning arrived on Wednesday how many people craved for normalcy. Did the wives cry frustrated tears wishing for piles of dirty laundry to appear?  Children suddenly realized what they did have in a parent and wondered if the arguments had been worth it.Did they wish for rules they had loathed so much before.

Life stopped being ordinary for so many and took on a new kind of ordinary. Life was spontaneously crying at any given moment. Suddenly so many were forced to be a single parent. Parents discovered what life was like to bury a child. Siblings realized that the person who shared all their inside jokes was gone.

Sometimes I detest the ordinary because it can be so ordinary and tiresome. Ordinary life is not to be loathed but cherished knowing that because the simplest things are happening life is going fine.When ordinary life does turn awful there is an extraordinary God to give us the strength to find the new ordinary.

Thank God for the ordinary, for some day we may wish it back with a passion.

The Wedding: What it was.

Written 8.2.2012

Last night I went to a wedding. You know where the gorgeous looking princess marries her handsome prince charming and afterwards everyone stuffs themselves with cake and punch before sending off the couple in a sea of floating rice to the world of happily ever after.

Perhaps that is what comes to the mind of most when they think of the word wedding. The wedding of yesterday eve was all that and then so much more.

Candles flickered on the stage of church as it was filled with church goers, unsaved co workers, the culture saturated middle school girls, family, and friends from here there and everywhere. Beautifully combined were people from all walks of life, all because two people were brought together by God to spend the rest of their lives together.

It could have been just a wedding where vows were said and then sealed with a kiss, but no this was not a wedding to glorify the couple, but to glorify God. 

Solomon words were spoken not just of love, but of solemnity of making a pledge before God. A man stepping forward to guide and protect his wife just as Christ does the church. A woman stepping forward to say she will trust and follow her husband as the church follows Christ.

Perhaps it does sound like a odd idea, but really this blushing bride and handsome groom will find themselves happy for years to come by following the simple formula God has laid out. 

The love that was so evidently seen that evening was a selfless love. A love of longing to serve the other person to be their happiness and a laying aside of their own happiness to fulfill their spouse's needs.

Together as a whole we as the guests were witnesses to the event. Guests who had never heard the gospel heard and saw it breathed that night. Guests who had heard the gospel many times over were reminded of what it really was to live it in the every day things like being married.

Flickering candles, a cream colored lace dress, delicious eats, soft music, all those things made the wedding beautiful, but the real beauty of the wedding was the love of Christ that shown in the couple .

And so it was a beautiful wedding, not just because of how it looked, but also because of who was glorified that night.