another year

Written May 24

 

I was asked today if life got better the older I got. I had to say yes, because with each passing year it seems I find a new way to find joy in life. Optimistic I am not, but I hope not pessimistic either. Just a realist.

In truth life has gotten more painful. Sorrow seems to more plentiful. The ache is stronger and the hurt stings even more each year.

Call me crazy, but I still say that life is getting better not worse. It seems the pain comes more often, but it also seems I notice the grace more and more with each passing year. I know that the pain will be accompanied by joy.

I've been 5 foot 3 inches for the past 7 years, yet I'm still having growing pains. Growth spurts brought on by God bringing things into my life that He wants to use to make me more like Him.

I don't want to ever dread getting older. Each year I want to anticipate the adventures God is going to bring. I don't want to worry over the "what ifs", but trust fully in His strength and guidance. I don't want to find my own hiding spot for the storm, but let God take me through it under His protection. I don't want to try and hide my sin from God, but let His forgiveness and mercy cover me.

Just because a date on the calender has turned me a year older, doesn't mean I've matured out of old problems. I'm still the girl that says the wrong words too easily. Obnoxiously giggles and gets frustrated over little things. I'm still the girl that God out of His great mercy bestowed grace too.  Do I need another reason to live?

 I don't know what the next year is to be. It could be the ugliest one ever for all I know, but there is no need to fear because there will be just enough grace every situation.

"for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

I would be a fool to not believe in these words, but to be realistic my thoughts and actions may show other wise. Sometimes I falter, but not for long because I can't help but remember the wondrous love and grace that is conforming me.

Me thinks it will be beautiful year.  

Remember

It's a sunny, but very muggy day. Today the laundry has to be done as usual. My family will still get hungry and when I cook I will make a tremendous mess as usual. It's pretty much a ordinary day, but yet its not.

Today for thousands of Americans today is anything, but normal.

Memorial day.

 Mothers, fathers, little brothers, big and little sisters have sent off their loved ones to war so many times for decades.

There might have been letters. Recently there might have been phone calls and maybe a Skype call. Family and friends at home would find comfort in those small bites of communication, but impatiently they were waiting when at last they could hug their solider and know at last they were safely home.


Home coming for many of those soldiers was not what it should have been. A flag draped coffin was all so many families saw]. Instead of shouts of glee shrill mournful taps play as families say goodbye for the last time.

Awful. Cruel. War is ugly. It was not God's design for us to fight with one another to the bloody end. Our world is full of hate and sin and thus horrible things are sometimes necessary to overcome evil.

Defeating evil does not come without a price.

Lives of Americans soldiers is an unmeasurable cost. There is nothing we can do to replace the stolen lives.


Today I haven't forgotten those that have paid the ultimate price. I wish I could shake the wrinkly hand of a war bride who was suddenly made a widow and tell her thank you. I want to bring a batch of bread to the now single mom of three children and tell her thank you. I want to thank the parents who proudly fly a flag in their front yard in memory of their only son. 

 Thank you to those who waited at home for someone who would never come. Thank you to those who are still ready to fight for our country. We need you. 

Seniors Moments #2

Choir tour, oh you should here the students talk of choir tour. The inside jokes, funny host home stories, some things only explained by being in a van too long with your close friends. Everything about tour sounds like so much fun and yet at the same time such valuable ministry expedience. Freshmen year I was going to go and then I had to drop out. Junior year things didn't work out either to go. Finally though senior year I would at long last get to go. When I found out that the choir would go on tour without me it was a bitter pill. 2 years of anticipation and hopes dashed forever. There would be no other years to go on tour this year was to have been my last chance and it was not to be. To me it seemed silly to be sad over such a frivolously thing, yet finally I had to stop saying it was silly and admit I needed God's grace. I thought I could brush off the pain myself, but in reality I needed God's grace. When I finally gave in the pain left and I understood how God uses seemingly little things in our lives for a reason. To help us learn grace.

Senior year was not all pain and work though. Being a senior gives license to fun that others may not have. Under cover of darkness the senior class fled campus one cold January Thursday night. We only arrived back Sunday night after we had made sure that we had plenty of fun and made just as many memories. Our senior class managed to sneak without anyone knowing, except for of course the higher powers. Pats on the back for everyone :).
We hung out at camp in the snowy hills and of course made sure to make plenty of good use of all the snow. That is finding creative ways to dump it on each other. I managed to conqueror ignore my fear of heights and ride down the zip line. 
The class pretty much went wild over the ever flowing hot chocolate and coffee pot. It was especially handy for 12:30 am games of Apples to Apples. As much as we would have liked we couldn't stay on sneak forever and eventually the fun ended and the homework begun again.

Once again for Spring break I road tripped across the country although this time the car was just a bit more reliable. Ahem.
The snowy peaks of the Utah mountains greeted us and so did the harsh reality of the oppression. Once again we saw the spiritual blindness everywhere. I don't think any of us left the same. I'm so grateful for the grace of God that has saved me and the same grace that uses me to serve others in ministry.

Banquet came around just like it always does every year. Just like all the other years homework was laid aside for fixing hair and painting nails. So out of obligation to tradition and some what for fun everyone got dressed up, dumped their life savings on flowers and journeyed through the hills to banquet. This banquet though wasn't like all the other banquets. It was for us the senior class. We sat at a special table, we went first in line, we spied, gawked and poked fun at the other guests just because we were seniors. Suddenly it was all so real that in a few weeks we as class would be graduating and going our separate ways. We were ready to be done, but we were ready for ministry? Never. We all were going to have to trust in God's grace for every step.

Probably the most momentous occasion of the year for me was sharing my senior testimony. The guys had already had the chance to share in chapel several times, but now us girls got a turn. Cramming 3 years worth of lessons into a 15 minute speech probably was more of the more challenging things I've ever done at school. Contradicting all of the things I wanted to share was the one word that summed up college years. Grace. Sharing that one word would have been too short, so opted for a concise 13 minute 40 second testimony. Mr. F. caught me in his office right before chapel stashing tissues in my Bible, but I escaped crying in front of the whole school. That's not to say that when I wrote my testimony I didn't cry, because  really shouldn't every now then God's grace overwhelm us so much it moves us to humbling tears?
 12 times  over I had the privilege too of hearing my fellow classmates share their own stories of God's grace.  

Chips and salsa plus Mountain Dew Chocolate fudge ice cream floats; we consumed that glorious food on the eve of our very last day of school. A little over 12 hours after our pre celebratory party ended school had forever ended for us too. Done. Over. Finished. Complete. All I could think of was "to the praise of His glory and grace"! Yes, we had completed 3 years of school, but only by the grace of God.  

 
I just wrote a lot of mumble jumble words. Perhaps it is long, but there is a lot of journal entries that I didn't write down. Lessons so sharp that I'm thankful only God knows of them.

 When it comes down to it I can describe this year in three words.

Pain
Giggles
Grace

It was the year where sometimes I felt the pain would stifle me. Then there were the times I laughed, so hard I could hardly breath. All through the year grace sheltered, healed, comforted, blessed, and covered me. Teaching me the pain was worth it and the laughter was a undeserved blessing just like grace was given to a poor undeserving person like myself.

Grace has brought this far, and grace will take me into many more adventures. I can't wait :) 

Senior Moments #1

The day I arrived on campus for my senior year seems so long ago. In reality it was just a few short months ago or 2 seasons ago. Freshmen year I dreaded enrolling in school. Junior year I still wasn't so sure about committing to another year. Senior year I was pretty much pumped that I was back at school and this time to graduate! I couldn't believe that this was my very last year of college and I had made it thus far. I hadn't made it yet though and there was nine months of school to complete.

The first few weeks of school were a blur of basking in the glow of being a senior and getting used to my new responsibility as a Resident Assistant. When just before school started I got a e-mail asking me to be a RA. I was terrified and excited. I wasn't sure if the dean of students really knew who they were asking to take the job:). Some moments of being an RA have been funny. Like the time the fire alarm went off after curfew because of a overly popped bag of popcorn. FYI 5 minutes is just a bit too long for microwave popcorn.
No fire, but our eardrums were in serious danger of being permanently damaged from the shrieking alarm. Myself and the other RA found ourselves trying to calmly display our crisis skills as we woke up the school president to turn off the alarm. Then we ushered the girls out of the freezing cold (most were in their pjs) into the dinning hall and out of sight of the gawking guys who were peering out of their dorm windows. It was a night that has probably gone down in the school history forever.

Being a RA had its hard moments too. Sometimes you had to say the words that you rather not say. There were things we did when we rather probably would have been drinking cups of vinegar then talking about "RA stuff". Sometimes I seriously wanted to quite and run home to my mommy, but every step of the way God was giving grace.

Senior year will not be remembered for its papers, but for its tests. We had 3 pitiful papers total of the whole year, but believe me I'm not complaining :).  The tests though were well let describe it this in not graphic terms. They were excruciating. One test some members of the class showed up wearing all black. Already in pre mourning for they grade they anticipated receiving. Study Guides for some tests made me want to throw those dreadful study guides away and pretend the test didn't exist. Unfortunately doing such a exercise would not have helped my grade. Thankfully my friends came to the rescue quizzing me and finding places to study where no one else was, so we could of course fully consecrate on our study guides. Ahem.
 God was gracious as always to gently remind me to lean upon His grace alone and not on great academic accomplishments. Grace was learned in the classroom and grace was also learned in my personal life.

This year I felt a pain that I had never felt before. The hurt of pain that was not my own but of other people. It was pain of wanting to do something for someone, but realizing there was little you could do tangibly. Only pray and encourage. You could see the pain in their eyes. You know their actions aren't normal and this is what gives pain of watching hurt that cannot be removed. There again is how you learn grace as you watch God give it to others and you yourself learn you must entrust people to the Lord.

I'm sorry to end this on a bleak note, but I'm afraid that if I give you all too big of a dose of the gory chronicles you will skim it. So stay tuned. Believe me there is plenty more coming.

Perspective

I love the way my two cousins give a fresh perspective on life.

They laugh at the tiniest things and show me life should always be looked at with a perspective of joy.

They contentedly sit in the outdoors. Just sitting still doing nothing. My cousins show me how life just sometimes need to have a quiet perspective.

My cousins trust in me to take care of them and love them. They show me that in life no matter how uncertain the days are we must have a perspective of trust.

They are always content knowing their basic needs are met. Why do I not look at life more often with the perspective of being content knowing that I have everything I truly need.

Sometimes there are tears from my cousins but all they need is a loving touch. In my life I need to look more often around with a perspective of compassion for others needs.

My cousins have shown me so much about life's perspectives. Some day when we are in heaven and they can walk and talk maybe they can share with me in words their perspectives. For now though I learn their perspectives through their silent actions that speak to me more then words ever could.

Identity

Its safe to say that we all find our identity in our mothers. Lets face the truth if it weren't for our mothers none of us would be here.

I found my identity in my mother when I was little and clung to her side. I was safe and secure beside the woman whose identity I knew so well.

I am a completely separate person from my mother, but my identity comes from her. The way I look, talk, think, act and so forth all of my identity comes from my mother. Of course there was the other half too that obviously came from my father.

Even when I was too embarrassed to identify with my mother. She was still my identity even as I tried to shy away from her.

As an adult you think you are going to make your own way in the world, but you never far from the identity of your mother. You will make decisions like she does and will handle situations like she does. The saying is true "you are your mother's daughter".

I'm grateful I can identify with a woman of honor and strength. It's like being proud of your country. I am proud of my mother. And just like you would proudly wave American flag I want to proudly display my mother's identity as my own.

 Because no matter how different we may be there is still a lot of her that makes my identity. This identity I will carry with me for the rest of my life, because there is no getting away from the woman who brought you into the world. Honestly I'm perfectly content to keep this identity. 

Class of 2012

This week has been the craziest ever. Every year I watched the seniors go crazy the last week of school and I wondered why. Now I know that finishing school and moving on in life puts you into a rather interesting mood that manifests it self in more ways then one.

I still remember the days of Freshmen year. Going to class and never really knowing the names of my classmates. Feeling very scared and shy and very much out my comfort zone. Then I managed to get comfortable enough to start stealing people's "personal" seats.  Our class was very much a thing of routine our freshmen year. Everyone had their favorite spot and that's where they wanted to sit every day. Too bad for them that I liked a change of scenery every now and then.

Yesterday though our class much shrunken in number sat in our very last classes ever. Now people sit wherever they please most of us have moved beyond laptops to pen and paper. Some in our class sometimes even find the freedom to drowse during 4th hour.

When the bell rang at 12:25 pm it was official. Never again will any of else hear that bell ring and breath a sigh of relief that we finally have a break.

It was over. 


Our class sat around the table yesterday licking our fingers covered in pizza grease. We talked about many things, but inevitably the conversation would lull and we would look at other say "we are really done"! The sheer relief is amazing of not having in any homework. The problem is I can't shake the feeling of maybe there is something I forgot to do. I guess the habit is a little hard to break after three years. I'm pretty sure though I can make myself comfortable in the no homework mood quite easily.

 I won't the miss the homework, but I will miss the people.

Two days and we will sit in a row of chairs together listening to our commencement speech. We will turn our tassels together and stand in a greeting line together and that will be it. After May 5 there will be a split and we will head our separate ways and yes I may even shed a tear or two.

Thank you class of 2012 for some great memories and yes thank you even for the not so great ones. You don't even know how much of impact you have had on my life and I'm grateful.

Yes this is my class and yes I love our crazy ways.