Life Stopped

There are presents sitting under trees that will not be opened. Gifts that were planned to be bought will now be left in the store. The receiver was snatched away and the givers are left too plan funerals instead of Christmas parties.

I sat reading news stories and staring at pictures telling the tale of the unspeakable horror that happened yesterday morning. I was simply aghast at what had happened. A few terrifying minutes was all it took before lives were turned upside down forever.

Families of the 26 victims have had life put on hold. Christmas shopping, parties, events...all that has ceased to be important. Their top goal has now become survival in the sea of pain and grief.

There are the children that survived carried away from that day in the arms of parents who did not want to let them go. Children who may have came away unscathed physically, but for the rest of their lives will not be able to forget all they saw and heard that day. The fear they felt as they huddled in dark corners and as their little ears heard terrible screams and piercing gunshots.

There are the police officers that combed the school for evidence and were forced to stare at the gruesome scene. Police officers that helped hysteric parents.
  Men and women who somehow managed to push words off their tongue to deliver the news of death. Men and women who will go home to their worlds intact, but will not feel intact mentally.

Tonight it is 10 days before Christmas. The day we celebrate the arrival of hope. 2,000 years ago when that tiny baby was born to a world oppressed by Romans hope sprang forth. Torture and death was rampant. Sin was rampant. Christ came to that world.

Yesterday was a cruel reminder of the curse of sin. Unfortunately we will live under that curse of sin till Christ returns. Hope. Can there be a tiny glimmer of hope in the midst of such repulsive sin? God has promised comfort, peace, joy, and love. God has promised a Savior. Yes there is hope for a broken and hurting world.

Everything in me aches right now for those who had to suffer in so many different ways. Pain is not right and the only hope I have is of a Savior who will rescue us from all this pain some day.

Of Cozyness

"worshiping the alter of cozy"

I read this on a another blog in the comment section. I was guilty. Here is my little life and I think I'm not asking for much. All I want is for things to stay the same. For people to stay the same and not move on in life. To be able to keep on having fun as I always have. I want to be able to do those little things scream coziness and happiness. I want to stay up late on Christmas Eve and drink eggnog with my brothers laughing the night away. I want my friends to be close and for us get along with each other in a strangely hilarious way.

Small things that make up my comfort zone. Tradition. Happiness. Normal Life. Epic Adventures.

In my mind I decided how things are to be and its a glorious plan. Until someone has to move, get married, gets sick, etc, etc. Then I wonder why those things were taken away from me. I didn't ask for much. Happiness comes to another, but in a strange way I find myself not wanting to welcome it because it means change. Life seems to only be beautiful when those small things are all in order.

Life can be beautiful when the small things are removed and you realize its time to broaden your perspective and try something new.

This Christmas will be different. Every Christmas is different after all. Maybe I won't have all those things around me that make me cozy and happy, but really how much coziness was there in a drafty smelly stable?

Christ came and gave up everything for us to live. Really is it much  to give up the small normality's of life?

Change is coming. No day happens without change. Can a day happen though without worshiping that "alter of cozy"?

Sometimes I wonder about myself and strange happy routines of life. They give me energy to get through the day. Can I go through a day without dependance on pleasure?

    Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
  
(James 1:2-4 ESV)

 

And that my friends is the essence of joy. Only by the grace of God may I have that joy. 

Musing of the Brain

I'm staring at the screen wondering what to write. I don't have thoughts pouring from my brain begging to be written down. Maybe its because its just a nice day and I've been smiling and laughing a lot lately.

Strangely I think the deepest thoughts come from a heart that is troubled and its trying to sort its self out. Then I write freely letting my wanderings flow out and hope no one minds reading the thoughts of a girl who is not having a very good day.

Sometimes I feel dependant on the days that are good. They give me the power to laugh and go through life with a smile. As much as I am grateful for the days I can laugh I feel it is necessary to not be tied to them. Unfortunately your hilarious friends and family will not always be readily available and sometimes it just will not be funny when you spill flour all over the kitchen.

Sometimes you have to be alone and face the fact that you are having a not so lovely day and no one is around to distract you from it.

And in the words of another "what is the first thing you will use to fix that bad day"? Chocolate, a good book perhaps, maybe a good TV show, your favorite exercise maybe?

Everyone needs to know what will help them relax and get them away from the edge of the pit of despair.

Just maybe though would it not be wise to first reach for the Word of God and refresh yourself in a time of reading and prayer before reaching for your smart phone to see how all your Facebook friends are doing? Oops did I just say facebook I meant to say the uh phone book because I don't want this post to be too much like a pointed finger...at myself.

I drink up those times of laughter and wish I could put them in a bottle to have whenever I wish, but I can read my Bible whenever I wish. I wonder though if I read it often as I should instead digging through those chocolates...

Just some random thoughts prompted by times with my silly friends and deep times with my small group at church.

Of Christmas

Christmas time is here. I always anticipate the holiday with much joy and excitement. Everything about it always seems to hold so much pleasure and delight.

That is one part of me. The other part of me approaches the holiday with sorrow and hurt for those who are hurting. Christmas seems to be either the most wonderful holiday or the worst day that ever existed for so many.

I'm not a scrooge. I love Christmas, but it seems so unfair to celebrate what is happy in your life and ignore the pain in someone Else's life.

Two years ago I got a tiny taste of that pain. I felt anything, but happy as I cried through a Christmas movie one evening in December. Just hours earlier my uncle had gone home for Christmas. We rejoiced and mourned in a crazy mix of emotions. I skipped out on school not to go home and celebrate Christmas earlier, but to go to  a funeral. All during the Christmas break the death of another relative was fast approaching and that year it was hard to celebrate.

I got that tiny taste of the pain. Just a small taste. Not a big gulp of bitterness and heart wrenching sobs that so many go through. Christmas is a beautiful time, but it can so easily be ugly.

Christmas is a lot about feeling. Happy fuzzy feelings that come from hearing Christmas tunes on the radio. Sappy feelings from watching all those horribly cheesy but oh so fun Christmas flicks. Feelings of warmth from seeing the Christmas lights twinkle on the tree. Feelings of tradition when you eat your favorite Christmas treat. Feelings are wonderful, but there are those who have the feeling of not even wanting to go the store for fear of seeing one more Christmas item that will remind them of pain. They will not feel like getting out of bed. Maybe the only reason they will put on the tree is for the sake of small children, not for the sake of the their own feels that are all too dismal.

We celebrate Christmas by giving and so what is it we can give to the hurting? Maybe its not saying anything, but simply being there. Maybe its only a quiet act of kindness, but there are some things that can change a whole person's day just because you did something.

Celebrate Christmas, but remember what it is and why it sometimes bothers people.

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Its going to be Okay

I don't pretend to know everything about music and all of its conservatories, but I know that I do like music and when "Brand New Day" played on my Pandora I fell in love. I don't even listen to must of the lyrics, but the chorus...sometimes it feels like its the theme of my day. 

"This cycle never endsYou gotta fall in order to mend
And it's a brand new dayIt's a brand new dayFor the first time In such a long long timeI knowI'll be ok"

I will not pretend that life has been all grand and wonderful. I will not pretend that I have handled every situation perfectly. I will not pretend that I jump out of bed feeling eager to face the day. I will not pretend that I am the perfect worker, friend, daughter, sister, etc etc....

because there is no pretending in God's eyes. 

He knows all of my faults. He knows why I cry myself to sleep, because of the pain I've caused myself. He knows the words I don't say, but think just the same...and shouldn't it. He knows when I have the wrong motives and wrong desires. 

There is no pretending. He knows that I'm not okay and that I should have known better, but He still gives grace.

Grace that turns not being okay into being okay. Grace that overlooks the bad day and gives you the strength to move onto a fresh new day. Because of God's grace I know those not okay times are for a reason and some day it will be okay.

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